Get orrf my beach….

An open access sign holds up the sky in County Durham

I don’t know if you’ve noticed the sky falling in? I haven’t and it’s frankly quite disappointing. It was due to happen on the 20th of September 2004 with the introduction of the right to roam, or Open Access as it is correctly titled.

I seem to recall that the exact timetable for the countryside’s descent into hell consisted, in the first wave, of oiks blundering around accompanied by a synchronised display of falling into potholes. This would be closely followed by a second wave of raves… with all of these unwashed young people being smelly, and taking their `Class As, and their Es’ listening to their boom-boom music…. (actually if either Plastikman or AGF had been on the bill I'd have been down there with the kids myself)

This would then be followed by a rearguard action of Gore-tex wearing storm-troopers rambling across the countryside leaving sheep traumatised by being exposed to the fashion crimes of the middle aged.

I gazed at the sky, but it stayed firmly in place… eventually the sheep lost interest… that’s how sheep are…. dying is the highlight of the average sheep’s life.

Infact the biggest complaint from landowners seemed to be that not enough townies were coming out to trample the countryside and put money into the tills of teashop and B&B owners.

Undaunted by militant apathy, the hoards of barbarians have set their sights on another target. Having fought the battle to roam on mountain, moor, heath, down and common land….they’re fighting on the beaches next. The open access principle is to be extended to the coastline of England – all of it. In effect a linear footpath will be created thousands of miles long, hugging the coastal curves, and despite the fact that the government says that private gardens and parks will be exempt, landowners are not happy. For a start they won’t be compensated, and secondly the masses may well be allowed to wander onto previously private beaches. Then there are claims that lots of properties will be devalued. Would this be `devalued’ as in - property prices are tumbling anyway?

As with the previous open-access proposals the landowners aren't overly keen on the great unwashed traipsing across their land and they certainly don’t want them on their private beaches.

Would I want people wandering around next to my garden, with their noisy children and their vile mongrel dogs?

Well actually they do. Fifteen yards away from where I’m sitting, directly outside my front gate is a very heavily used footpath, what was, in medieval times, the main road from our village to the next. On sunny days like today dozens of people will walk along it, with their dogs and their children, and in the winter they might even wear Gore-tex. Am I bovvered? No actually I’m too busy watching the sky to see if it’s fallen in yet. Of course if the hoi polloi are let loose on the waterfront, goodness knows what will happen then.

I remember doing some interviews about this issue last year, and at that time it was actually very hard, if not impossible, to find anybody in the North of England with coastal land who was themselves bovvered, perhaps they’re just chilled and sky-gazing like me.